Thursday, 5 July 2012

Large change it's been over a year since my last post!

So what's been going on in my life? Well I'll try and pick up where my last post left off.

The mediator planted a seed in my head. One of the last things she mentioned in that first meeting was that she got the impression that there were still feelings. Now if you'd asked me that before I'd went into that room I would have said "no chance", but she got me thinking.

So I explored the possibility.........and ended up getting back with the ex. It seemed like a good idea at the time, things felt fresh and new and everything was exciting again.

Then she dropped a bomb on me - she had been unfaithful. She'd had an affair for over a year and a half (it started less than a month after she'd given birth to my daughter - ouch!) but it was over a 'long time ago' apparently. I tried my best to come to terms with it and to forgive her (god knows how this didn't drive me towards another overdose) but I just couldn't do it.

I wanted to forgive her, I wanted to forget. I grew dependant on sleeping tablets to get to sleep. I found if I didn't take one things would just go round and around in my head until it felt like a was going mad. They worked, they numbed me - not just to get to sleep, I noticed that the next day I was still quite lethargic and would be able to do my job without my mind constantly reminding me of what she had done.......